Tough Days….The Confessions of a “New Conservative”

Wow!  I found out how tough it is to be a real conservative these days.  I got purged-off the “East Idaho Conservatives” Facebook page this morning.  It seems that being an actual conservative is not allowed, especially  if one is stupid enough to write about actual conservatism, in the various debate threads and topics on the page.  The main faux pas committed was likely suggesting that real conservatives might want to vote the Libertarian Party candidate for Governor, John Bujak, instead of the Republican Party offering of a third term for incumbent Governor “Butch” Otter.

Governor Otter and his side-saddle partner in crime (also euphemistically known as “politics”), Lt. Governor Brad Little (yes, in Idaho we actually have the “Little-Otter” ticket to contemplate!) have spent a near-lifetime in politics and it shows.  While insuring to always mouth the platitudes of Red (meat) statism, there’s never been a federal dollar they could turn down.

Especially not, if it means Idaho biologists get to study the poop of misplaced wolves, fondle the tail feathers of grouse and read the entrails and manure of dead cattle that (horror of horrors!) had the temerity to feed on a blade of federally-controlled grass!  Let’s not forget all those hundreds of millions of dollars  and jobs we receive to insure the National Forest Service burns down the forest.  Or, the money flowing in to rebuild all those expensive rural homes Idahoans are stupid enough to keep building anywhere outside Treasure Valley!  Just look at all that great economic opportunity Little-Otter bring home to Idaho!

And oh lordy, lordy, don’t talk about the Governor and Republican legislature “pulling a Bush” and setting up a state health exchange like Bush 43 and that Republican congress who gave us “No Child Left Behind” and a Prescription Drug benefit.  Or, Little-Otter’s support of Common Core curriculum, losing $14million of federal funds because of contract malfeasance, the CCA prison scandal, etc. etc.  All blasphemy!  Bringing up such inconvenient truths is like pointing out the horror of the Algore ManBearPig to a Progressive.

I undoubtedly  had a “wide-stance” moment I should have kept to myself when I called for former US Senator Larry Craig to be booted off the Idaho GOP Executive Committee for also having the ‘misfortune’ of being cited for misusing campaign funds for personal use.  It was probably bad form to also suggest that newly-elected Idaho state GOP Chairman Stephen Yates ask Craig to resign after appointing him to the position of Treasurer.  After all, he seems to have such acumen with cross-appropriating money.  The Idaho GOP probably needs some of that right now.

Maybe it’s time I reconsider my whole outlook as a real conservative.  This whole “real conservative” thing is such a drag.  Maybe, it’s time to just give in and become a mainstream conservative.  Or, better yet a full blown “New Conservative” and get ahead of the game!  That way by the time ‘mainstream’ conservatives realize that they’re as far off the mark as they got me to realize I was being a real conservative.  Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket!   Once they catch on they’ll switch too, like I should have switched, to being a New Conservative.  Gosh, this political discipline stuff is easier than I thought!

Sooo, on the way to my local Mosque ( I went down to join, so I could finally learn the ‘religion of peace’ and take their course in “Practicing Safe Sex With Your 72 Virgins”),  I stopped in to the local Chipotle  to get my daily dose of Commie philosophy on a bag (“Hope that, in the future all is well, everyone eats free, no one must work, all just sit around feeling love for one another.” – George Saunders).  While reading my little brown bag (Brilliant! Like Mao’s Little Red Book….) to fully absorb this taste of mundane nirvana it struck me as to what a fool I’ve been all my life.

Being an actual native-born American citizen of any background has become such a drag and an increasing liability.   I’m thinking of also giving up citizenship to become “undocumented.”   I likely can get more benefits from the state that way and now I’m considered politically correct from the get-go.   Can I get a fist bump for that?

Perhaps better, especially if I ever want to run for public office, I’m thinking of divorcing my wife, Colette, of 34 years and going over to the Gay Side.    Holy Cow, I’m really advancing the cause of conservatism, now!  Larry Craig is actually ahead of his time.   Gay is highly fashionable and soon everything will be gay, kind of like all restaurants are Taco Bell in the futurist-satirical movie “Demolition Man.”   Maybe it wasn’t satire.  A gay, undocumented, commie Muslim is the New Conservatism!

Oh wait….to do this right I also need to become black.  Black is the new white as our magic african-caucasian President has shown us!  Everyone knows that African-Americans can’t possibly be conservative, especially if they’re really black.  Liberals have shown us it’s not in their DNA.  Check out my new persona in the image at the top.  Does it work for you?

I think those East Idaho Conservatives are on to something! They’re pretending to be conservatives.   The way to become the New Conservative of the future is to become a secret Liberal and vote for Republicans-In-Name-Only (RINO).  That’ll drive the Liberals back into to their secret caves!  Oh, they’ll tell you they’re all about conservative, though,  cause they believe in the Constitution.  Well, at least, until they don’t.

Ok, so a gay, black, undocumented, commie Muslim is a shoe-in for political tolerance in our future.  Yep,   I think I got this all figured out.

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